The Fake News: Regis Philbin Named Head Coach at Notre Dame
NOTRE DAME, IN -- 12/19/2001
The University of Notre Dame, after being turned down by every real football coach in America, today named game show icon Regis Philbin as their new head football coach. The 68 year-old Philbin, Notre Dame's most successful graduate, has no football coaching experience but does fill the school's need for a big name to help draw players to South Bend. Notre Dame was forced to continue their search for a new head coach after George O'Leary resigned following the discovery that the former Georgia Tech head man had falsified parts of his resume. Notre Dame officials indicated that lying about one's past accomplishments, though perfectly acceptable for a Democratic Presidential candidate, will not be tolerated at Notre Dame.
Philbin told reporters that he would begin the recruiting process immediately and has already set up a 1-800 number that prospective players can call. Those who answer three multiple choice football questions will be invited to South Bend for a visit. "We really need to focus on recruiting. It is important that we find a way to convince talented football players that going to college in a cold, dreary environment in the middle of nowhere is a good idea." Notre Dame may also save some money on Philbin. His annual salary will be incentive-based, specifically related to how many games the Irish win. He will be paid $32,000 for the first win, $64,000 for the second win, $128,000 for the third, and so on. Philbin can take the money and walk away at any time, but if the Irish lose, his salary will fall all the way back $32,000. An unnamed member of the Notre Dame athletic department quipped "I wish we had had that type of contract for Bob Davie."
When reached by phone, Philbin said he was extremely excited about the opportunity. "When I got the call, I went nuts" said Philbin, a 1953 Notre Dame grad. "I was so excited that I was literally out of control. Simply out of control." When asked if his lack of football experience would be a problem, Philbin admitted that there would be a very difficult learning curve. "I don't know much about football players except that they sometimes marry talentless, headache-inducing, shrews. That I know better than anyone." When asked if he possessed enough patience to deal with college students, Philbin added "Patience? If I can be patient with someone that takes twenty minutes to answer a multiple choice question, I can be patient with anyone. I put up with the kid from the Backstreet Boys for god's sake!"
Philbin has yet to name his coaching staff but the rumor is that Bob Barker is the leading candidate for the defensive coordinator job. Notre Dame's plan is to offer him a fair contract without going over. Sources also believe the Oprah Winfrey will move to South Bend to take over as offensive line coach. Kelly Ripa has already applied, and been turned down for the job of cheerleading coach.